And all at once he was on the Boss’ back giving him the meanest noogie you ever did see. The Boss was spinning, too shocked to form words into obscenities but certainly trying. The co-workers stopped whatever it was they were doing and watched the birth of a hero.

It was quite a strange thing that had happened, and no one — least of all the man — could put what they had just witnessed into words.

The man had taken the Boss’ toupee and thrown it across the room. He was now giving his superior a mean wet-willy, still clinging as tightly to the Boss’ back as if he were hugging the wing of a 747. Holding the fat skull in his hands, the man whispered, “Deviance,” and what little blood remained in the rest of the Boss’ body rushed to his head. Purple-faced, he fell to the ground, curled up into a fetal position, and with a soft whimper, he disappeared.

It was quite a strange thing that had happened, and no one — least of all the man — could put what they had just witnessed into words. Everyone stood silent for an extremely awkward length of time, staring at that place on the floor which their Boss’ hulking mass had once occupied. The man had made some sort of earth-shattering discovery that put humanity’s previous benchmarks — fire, the world is round, breast implants — in serious jeopardy. Everyone in the office came to this same realization at precisely the same moment, and the room exploded into applause for their man, this man. He watched them clap for a moment, then mooned them all and jumped out the window.

It was convenient that the office was only on the second floor, for the man had not yet learned how to conquer pain. Blood from his forehead fell into his eyes, glass shards peppered his arms, and his left leg might as well have been broken. For a time he lay there quivering with pain, and the doubts set in: he had a beautiful, fruitful life; what was he sacrificing? What was he running from or running towards? And would he have the courage or the insanity to do all that was necessary? He remembered Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and thought what a well-crafted plan it all was, to separate the gods and the men. The glass fell slowly from the man’s arms as if they were cellophane. The man stood up on two healthy legs and he was no longer bleeding.

The man was now moving without thought, doing without consideration, freely succumbing to every perverse or divergent instinct that came his way. It was glorious liberation.

He was walking towards the center of town now and his co-workers were following him. An old man with a cane passed him and tipped his hat to the man, saying, “Good morning.” The man punched him in the face, and the old man fell to the ground, his glasses broken and his dentures hanging. The Old Man stood and watched the man with admiration, for he knew his actions did not come from any kind of malice but out of a purity he had never witnessed. The Old Man joined the people following him.

The man came to a pay phone. He called his beautiful wife and loudly denounced their marriage, dissolving their vows “just” – as an onlooker explained to a curious passerby — “for the hell of it.” There was loud cheering in the streets. The man was now moving without thought, doing without consideration, freely succumbing to every perverse or divergent instinct that came his way. It was glorious liberation.

He was defecating on the street at the intersection of 3rd and Main when a police officer approached him. A member of the crowd tried to delay the Officer, but the man chastised his overzealous follower by biting off his ear. The Officer paused in amazement and then raised his firearm.